Either way I am fucking damned.

Human beings are so complex. And I mean it. Not like I am any better; I don't understand myself either. 

Why is it that people hate us when we say what we feel? Why is it that people take advantage of us when we're just trying to make everybody happy (which is impossible anyway)? 

Gosh, I guess I'm just moaning and bitching about my own situation. I know I'm not alone, though. 

When I tried to be nice, friendly and helpful, there comes some son of a bitch who tried to take advantage of my kindness. 

When I tried to be firm, people stayed away. 

Human beings are so complex. They don't know what they want. 

Bah, whatever. Being polite or being bold, doesn't matter. Either way I'm fucking damned. 

Pardon my whining

God, I know this is lame, but I'm in a dire need of a therapy. Soul therapy, that is. 

I don't know what have gotten into me, but I feel depressed lately. Very depressed. 

It's as if nothing really worked for me anymore. 

Everything just doesn't make sense. 

At this point I really suspect that I'm suffering from depression; the kind of depression where I would have to be on medication. 

It's been so long since the last time I've really written something. If I could equate this blog to a house, then mine would be an abandoned, haunted house. And speaking of writing, even things that I used to enjoy is no longer enjoyable to me. There was a time when I've always had something to write about. Well, not anymore now, hence this lame, pathetic post. 

Say anything you like, but this is one way for me to express my feelings. That's why I love writing at the first place.

(Surprisingly, I feel better now. Maybe I should start writing again.) 

I'm in Pensiangan, Sabah and I have every reason to be grateful

I'm now in no man's land, so to speak. I'm in a secluded area of Sabah, really. To be exact, Pensiangan. Some of you might have heard of it, some of you might not. I've always heard of stories about this one hell of a lost world, just never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought of actually being here one day. 

Well, I'm here anyway, and here's a newsflash - I'm alive and I'm doing well. This place isn't really that bad, you know. ('Bad' is relative - if your definition of 'bad' is not being able to chat with your loved ones via phone, or not being able to shop in the trendiest shopping complexes that exist, then yeah. Not for me though.) I won't lie through your teeth and say it's all a bed of roses - I'm having a hard time with the mosquitoes and the like because they harassed my skin so freaking bad - but come to think of it, being here really is a blessing in disguise. I've thought of all the things which made me want to say "Thank God I'm here" and here they are, ladies and gentlemen; 

1. I get to experience a life away from all the toxic fumes of the big cities. Breathing fresh air is damn refreshing! 
2. There's no telephone line, but that means I get to save some money since I won't have to reload my cellphone credit as frequent as I used to. 
3. Which brings me to point number 3 - who needs a phone when I've got an exclusive and FOC access to the Internet? And at an even higher speed than those slow-ass broadband connection I've got at home!
4. I learn to be more friendly here. Normally I just don't greet strangers - but here in Pensiangan where everyone knows everyone else, I cannot act as if I'm living in The Big Apple, yes? 
5. Along with one of the Senior Assistants in my school, I'm the only female in a male-dominated workplace. Thank God they are all nice and cooperative! 
6. While we're at that, let's say I'm grateful because I've got some single and damn good looking colleagues to feast my sight on (forget this one, this is me going berserk, heh)
7. There's access to electricity from 6 pm - 12 am daily. Another thing to be grateful for because I don't have to bear with having no electricity 24-7. Some might say it's not good enough because the electricity doesn't run 24-7, but I say it's good because that means less to be paid at the end of the month. 
8. Keningau (my hometown) relies on Jabatan Air (Water Department) for water supply and of course we have to pay for water. Here, water supply are FOC! Talk about being money savvy! 
9. People here are nice, and they treat me well. Some of them treat me even better when they know who my father is. My father used to work here for quite some time during his younger days, long before he got married to my mother. It has been almost 30 years since he left Pensiangan, but the villagers still remembered him. 
10. I get to feel living on my own. Now, don't get me wrong and say I hate living with my family. It's just that I want to feel how it's like to live independently, having lived under my parents' supervision for the last 23 years. 
11. I don't go out often for now because the road into and out of Pensiangan is not the type that your Ferrari can drive on. That means less random shopping trips, and - you know it - more money saving! 
12. Nights in Pensiangan is kinda cool. Even without the electricity generated fan. 
13. Last but not least, I got a daily view to the big river of Pensiangan, which is beautiful. Every now and then I would see boats riding across the river and wishing to board one someday. 

So far, these are the things that I can think of. I'm sure there are more but I just couldn't think of anything else right now. Hey, thinking positively and seeing things positively are keys to survival. I'll be honest - I'm homesick sometimes. I'm homesick now. But I won't give up. After all, why focus on the ugly side of life when there's so much beauty surrounding us waiting to be seen? 

Not too much politeness, please. It's deceiving. It's dangerous.

We grow up learning that we must be kind and nice to people. As a baby I bet we feel safer looking at kind-looking faces (kind-looking - is there such an expression? blah, whatever). If we are being too frank or outspoken we are being rude, and being rude is never a good thing. I grow up believing this, and I know I am not alone.

Mum told me that as a child I say what I feel. Sometimes I appeared to people as rude, although - as far as I can recall - more often than not I didn't mean to be so. Well, I learn not to always say what I feel as time passes. Eventually I get myself used to it. Too used to it, I'm afraid. And now I'm paying the price. It's gotten to a point where even the most cowardly of people could make me their subject of ridicule and embarrassment. 

For a long time I go on trying to be nice, trying to make everyone happy, trying to satisfy everybody, trying to let things go. For a very long time I got so sensitive I can't stand people yelling at me. Well, everybody cannot stand being yelled to, but my degree of sensitivity is unusually higher than that of anybody else I know (I think I can safely claim it without having to go through a debate). As a result, I am afraid to try new things because I am afraid of making mistakes (because it's very possible to get yelled at and get scolded if we make mistakes, right? Right? Riiiiigggghhhht?)

But maybe it's right when people say that time and experience change how we view things and stuff. As time passes and I get to know new people and make new acquaintances, I learn that just because people are nice to you when they are with you, it doesn't necessarily mean that they like you - or at least, have nothing that they dislike about you. Hey, I've seen people badmouthing their supposedly best friends behind their back. I've got some people coming to me complaining about their best friends doing things they hate. They come to me and anybody else to express their dissatisfaction and anger but the person in question. Yes, we have more weird inhabitants on Earth now. 

On the other hand, some acquaintances of mine are outspoken - they say what they feel. If they are angry with someone, they don't go hiding it for the sake of not being rude, they spill it out right there and then. I used to hate such people and I used to avoid communicating with this kind of people as much as I can - but now I know what I did is not a smart move on my part at all. I begin to realize that it is hard for me to take direct, bold, honest criticisms, but it is even harder when people that I view as nice and kind are badmouthing me behind my back, or even worse, backstabbing me. Experience taught me to appreciate people's boldness. Right at this moment I am learning to appreciate some friends I have who I know to be very frank and outspoken, and I am learning not to be so sensitive. 

Trust me, been there done that, I can safely say that it is better to have a few friends who criticize and scold us right to our face at the right time and the right place, than to have a thousand of friends who shower and gratify us with politeness and compliments in front of us all the time. I used to be angry at my best friends if they point out my mistakes and give me a good bashing, but now I realize they did it only because they care about me and they don't want me to keep repeating the same mistakes. Yes, my best friends are quite frank and bold, but I know I am very lucky to have them for friends (I took a long time to realize this. It took a long time for me to realize how lucky I am. Better late than never, though).  

As for now, I'm taking baby steps to get back the outspoken me. Too much politeness will kill us. Really. 

Just because I'm short doesn't mean you can just step on me boy.

One morning at the school I am currently undergoing my teaching practicum in.

I was walking towards a group of students who were training for an upcoming competition when suddenly one of them said something like this, "Hey, it's Shorty!"

Mind you, the term Shorty here does not refer to a hot chick like the way the rappers and the RnB singers used it. When that kid addressed me as Shorty he was referring to my height. (Yes, I am quite short.)

Imagine how angry I am! I mean, I am short but I am still a teacher for God's sake! Even if I'm not a teacher, what right does he have to mock me like that?

But I tried to remain calm. If it was my little brother calling me by such names, no doubt I will beat the hell out of him. Luckily, it's not. Still this fella needs to be taught to respect other people, just not by yelling or cursing at him. Beating him or even canning him is definitely out of question - in Malaysia, even qualified teachers are not allowed to cane students, let alone teacher trainees like me. Only certain teachers are allowed to cane students (I can't remember who, but among those are definitely the Headmaster and the Discipline Teacher). So no, I ain't gonna yell, but I ain't gonna go smooth either.

So I definitely nag the hell out of him. But no, no vulgar words are used. I could have told the Discipline Teacher about what he did because mocking teachers is a serious offense in Malaysian schools, but I didn't do so. Why? Well, for all we know, that kid might have no idea that what he's done is not morally right. Besides, if the Discipline Teacher ever know this has happened, there will be no way out for that fella.

I just took down his name and which class he is in. I warned him that the next time he does anything like this there will be no mercy for him. I told him that he'll gonna hope that the Discipline Teacher have some mercy on him next time. (Which seldom happens - my school's Discipline Teachers are not the ones who let people off easily, man. If he gave you a good bashing and that's it - you're lucky.)

Well, I definitely learn something today. Yes, there's nothing wrong in respecting students, but never let them end up not respecting teachers.

Western influence? WESTERN influence? Stop it, please.

This post is written in Malaysian context, me being a Malaysian, I guess.

One thing about Malaysians that never failed to make me feel like knocking on somebody's head using a sledgehammer (you know, like that wrestler Triple H did?) is their tendency to put the blame on everything Western every single time things go wrong in Malaysia, especially where our teenagers and youngsters are concerned. Discipline problems among today's Malaysian schoolchildren? Blame it on the "Western influence". Growing addiction towards pornography among Malaysian teenagers? It's the Westerners' doing.

Try asking a typical Malaysian (a typical one, mind you) about reasons underlying booze addiction in this country. I guarantee you that from numbers of reasons that he/she might give, the magic phrase "Western influence" will never be left out. Hell, it's one of THE main causes. Oh, I'll give you one better - it's THE main cause. Like Westerners alone would be the sole cause of why more Malaysians start getting drunk regularly.

This one tendency we have cannot be more obvious to mine eyes when it comes to cases of Sufiah Yusof and Amalina Che Bakri. The moment people talk about them, they start talking about how scary it would be to send kids to study abroad, yada yada yada. "This is all caused by the Westerners' way of life, very carefree, very immoral..." Such words to that effect we will always hear.

It's as if everything from the West is all bad, all stinks, all sucks, you name it. And everything from the East is all good. Gosh! What sort of misconception do we have here?

We blame the Westerners for getting us acquainted with brandy, stout, wine, etc. etc. Oh, please. What about tuak, tapai, todi? Do all these come from them? Do we come to create this after we come to know Carlsberg's and Tiger - you know, to go together with the "belilah barangan buatan Malaysia" (let's buy Malaysian products) policy? I wish we would stop being so spoon-fed and ignorant.

And besides, not everything Eastern is good. We look up to Japan as one of the most prominent, economically growing countries in the whole world, particularly in Asia. We admire their resilience. We look up to their strict adherence to discipline. They are disciplined in so many ways, and they are resilient enough to withstand whatever comes their way (look how they cope with the aftermath of the recent tsunami and earthquake). Those things I shall make no attempt to deny.

But don't tell me you're oblivious to the fact that Japan has a porn industry of their own - and a legit one, at that? And what else - slavery in Sudan, discrimination towards women in the Middle East - is this what we call good influence?

Not everything about the West and Westerners are bad things, you see. I think some of us do realize that. Why don't we try to mingle more with them? I have. Some of you, I bet, have done so, too. Most of the Westerners I know are indeed lovely and amiable. So far none of them have tried even to persuade me to get drunk or to molest me.

At the end of the day, whatever that is good we should take and practice, never mind if it's Western, Eastern, Northern, Southern etc. Whatever aspects that is bad, or unsuitable, coming from any culture worldwide should not be practiced. (Some of you might bring up the issue of ethics and morality, which is a very wide issue in itself, but let's save it for another time, yes?)