Either way I am fucking damned.

Human beings are so complex. And I mean it. Not like I am any better; I don't understand myself either. 

Why is it that people hate us when we say what we feel? Why is it that people take advantage of us when we're just trying to make everybody happy (which is impossible anyway)? 

Gosh, I guess I'm just moaning and bitching about my own situation. I know I'm not alone, though. 

When I tried to be nice, friendly and helpful, there comes some son of a bitch who tried to take advantage of my kindness. 

When I tried to be firm, people stayed away. 

Human beings are so complex. They don't know what they want. 

Bah, whatever. Being polite or being bold, doesn't matter. Either way I'm fucking damned. 

Pardon my whining

God, I know this is lame, but I'm in a dire need of a therapy. Soul therapy, that is. 

I don't know what have gotten into me, but I feel depressed lately. Very depressed. 

It's as if nothing really worked for me anymore. 

Everything just doesn't make sense. 

At this point I really suspect that I'm suffering from depression; the kind of depression where I would have to be on medication. 

It's been so long since the last time I've really written something. If I could equate this blog to a house, then mine would be an abandoned, haunted house. And speaking of writing, even things that I used to enjoy is no longer enjoyable to me. There was a time when I've always had something to write about. Well, not anymore now, hence this lame, pathetic post. 

Say anything you like, but this is one way for me to express my feelings. That's why I love writing at the first place.

(Surprisingly, I feel better now. Maybe I should start writing again.) 

I'm in Pensiangan, Sabah and I have every reason to be grateful

I'm now in no man's land, so to speak. I'm in a secluded area of Sabah, really. To be exact, Pensiangan. Some of you might have heard of it, some of you might not. I've always heard of stories about this one hell of a lost world, just never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought of actually being here one day. 

Well, I'm here anyway, and here's a newsflash - I'm alive and I'm doing well. This place isn't really that bad, you know. ('Bad' is relative - if your definition of 'bad' is not being able to chat with your loved ones via phone, or not being able to shop in the trendiest shopping complexes that exist, then yeah. Not for me though.) I won't lie through your teeth and say it's all a bed of roses - I'm having a hard time with the mosquitoes and the like because they harassed my skin so freaking bad - but come to think of it, being here really is a blessing in disguise. I've thought of all the things which made me want to say "Thank God I'm here" and here they are, ladies and gentlemen; 

1. I get to experience a life away from all the toxic fumes of the big cities. Breathing fresh air is damn refreshing! 
2. There's no telephone line, but that means I get to save some money since I won't have to reload my cellphone credit as frequent as I used to. 
3. Which brings me to point number 3 - who needs a phone when I've got an exclusive and FOC access to the Internet? And at an even higher speed than those slow-ass broadband connection I've got at home!
4. I learn to be more friendly here. Normally I just don't greet strangers - but here in Pensiangan where everyone knows everyone else, I cannot act as if I'm living in The Big Apple, yes? 
5. Along with one of the Senior Assistants in my school, I'm the only female in a male-dominated workplace. Thank God they are all nice and cooperative! 
6. While we're at that, let's say I'm grateful because I've got some single and damn good looking colleagues to feast my sight on (forget this one, this is me going berserk, heh)
7. There's access to electricity from 6 pm - 12 am daily. Another thing to be grateful for because I don't have to bear with having no electricity 24-7. Some might say it's not good enough because the electricity doesn't run 24-7, but I say it's good because that means less to be paid at the end of the month. 
8. Keningau (my hometown) relies on Jabatan Air (Water Department) for water supply and of course we have to pay for water. Here, water supply are FOC! Talk about being money savvy! 
9. People here are nice, and they treat me well. Some of them treat me even better when they know who my father is. My father used to work here for quite some time during his younger days, long before he got married to my mother. It has been almost 30 years since he left Pensiangan, but the villagers still remembered him. 
10. I get to feel living on my own. Now, don't get me wrong and say I hate living with my family. It's just that I want to feel how it's like to live independently, having lived under my parents' supervision for the last 23 years. 
11. I don't go out often for now because the road into and out of Pensiangan is not the type that your Ferrari can drive on. That means less random shopping trips, and - you know it - more money saving! 
12. Nights in Pensiangan is kinda cool. Even without the electricity generated fan. 
13. Last but not least, I got a daily view to the big river of Pensiangan, which is beautiful. Every now and then I would see boats riding across the river and wishing to board one someday. 

So far, these are the things that I can think of. I'm sure there are more but I just couldn't think of anything else right now. Hey, thinking positively and seeing things positively are keys to survival. I'll be honest - I'm homesick sometimes. I'm homesick now. But I won't give up. After all, why focus on the ugly side of life when there's so much beauty surrounding us waiting to be seen?